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DEMO
Lads! Warriors! DEMOMEN! As I look out at ye with me tear-stained eye, I see the BEST BLOODY CLASS on the battlefield! No other class can deny it. They cannot stand against us man to man. Oh no. So they wheedle and deceive their way into our confidence, just to drive a shovel straight into our great, trustin' Achilles bloody hearts.

THIS WEEK, lads, we have been granted the opportunity for revenge—against our crew-cutted betrayer, against Brutus Benedict Arnold Judas Bloody Iscariot himself: the SOLDIER! Every Soldier who dies by a Demoman’s hand will be noted in the annals of war. And at the END of this week, when the smoke clears and the dead are tallied, it will be the Demomen who emerge as the most LETHAL BLOODY KILLERS the Soldier’s ever made the great mistake of crossin'!

The Soldier may take our LIVES, mates. They may betray us and they may break our hearts. But they will never take our SATISFACTION. When WE are given an EXCLUSIVE, SECRET EXTRA WEAPON UNLOCK that could have gone to them. And when they look BACK on this week, they will wonder: “Could I have fought HARDER? Could I have killed MORE?” And the answer is: Yes, you bloody well could have. AND THE OUTCOME WOULD STILL BE THE BLOODY SAME.

To war, my loyal Demos! To blood and scotch and bombs! To the death of our betrayers and the sobbin' sound of their dyin' regrets! TO WARRRRRRR!

SOLIDER
Now hear this, you blood-hungry sons of war!

As of oh-nine-hundred Eastern Standard time, we are at WAR with the DEMOMAN! That one-eyed bagpipe-playing sonofabitch has been a thorn in our collective sides for long enough! For THIS WEEK ONLY, each and every man brave enough to fight under the Soldier banner will be KILLING DEMOS!

Gentlemen, there comes a time in a man’s life when when HE MUST DRAW LINES! Friendship is FINE for tea parties and shopping trips to the dress store! But when the chips are down, a soldier puts ASIDE friendship for the good of WAR!

Every Demoman gutted, garroted, exploded or otherwise killed by a Soldier will mean a POINT for the Soldier Team! At the end of this week, when the points are tallied AND WE ARE FOUND TO HAVE MORE, we will be awarded an EXCLUSIVE ONE-OF-A-KIND WEAPON.

Gentlemen, I have NO IDEA what this weapon is. I don’t even know if I’ll WANT it. But BY GOD, I know what’s IMPORTANT, and it’s that WE get it and the DEMOMAN DOES NOT.

Am I understood? Then get out there and KILL!